Choose your own president

It is the morning of 1 September 2023. Having learned your lesson in the pandemic general election, you wake up early today to beat the queues at the polling station. Because voting is compulsory, you cast your vote, then head back to laze the rest of the public holiday away.

Even though voting is secret, what you overhear in public, what you read online, and what you and your friends discuss over the course of the day jump out at you: you have chosen the same candidate as a majority of the electorate.

Put this way, it is a statistically unremarkable event. But what if instead, there was a secret in the voting booth that aligned the majority of voters to your choice?

You chose Tan Kin Lian!

 

In polling booths across Singapore, Tan Kin Lian is chosen by a slim margin as Singapore's 5th Elected President. Few suspect it, but hardcore opposition supporters do not form the largest portion of Tan's winning coalition. Tan wins the day not on his own merit. Instead, enough voters across Singapore's political spectrum have grown weary of the endless machinations of the PAP to redefine the elected presidency. After 30 years of PAP's tomfoolery, enough voters realised that the presidency has become a clown show and the appropriate way to reward the PAP is to elect the biggest clown they can find on the ballot sheet.

You chose Ng Kok Song!

In polling booths across Singapore, Ng Kok Song is chosen by a slim majority of the votes as Singapore's 5th Elected President. Few suspected it, but he has a winning coalition that consists of pro-establishment types who nevertheless do not want an unpopular PAP to monopolise power over the presidency, and pro-opposition types who nevertheless cannot hold their noses to put the X next to Tan Kin Lian's name.

It is not being an "independent" that elevates him to presidency, but being a blank slate. Having expressed no political views and being a social non-entity with zero contributions to social and civic life ironically make him palatable enough to win the highest vote count.

You chose Tharman Shanmugaratnam!

In polling booths across Singapore, Tharman Shanmugaratnam is chosen with more than 50% of the votes as Singapore's 5th Elected President. Few suspect it, but voters have noticed that his opponents are actively worse choices. Tan is an eccentric boomer who keeps stuffing his foot in his mouth while resting on his dusty 20-year-old laurels as NTUC Income chief. Ng has managed, outside his long professional career as a fund manager and entrepreneur, to be a social non-entity with next to zero contributions to Singapore's social or civic life. They reasoned that they would rather take a chance with Tharman.

In the months to come, President Tharman attempts to heal the wounds of Singapore's troubled presidency, and then put his own spin on the office. 

Racism in Singapore comedy? Goodness gracious me!

Youtube influencer Shrey Bhargava attended an audition for the next installment in Hack Neo's "Ah Boys to Men" NSploitation comedy series. It went badly because the casting director requested Shrey to put on a funny Indian accent, and Shrey refused because it was insulting and racist.

Blogger influencer Xiaxue hit back hard, twice, at Shrey. So did his potential cast mates. All hell has broken loose.

Take it from us: This entire thing is a clown show. One that demands your attention.

And why should you listen to us? We actually have writing credits for The Noose. Made our own short films that were screened at The Substation when it was a cultural hub, as well as at the National Museum. And we've even written stand-up routines for local comedians. So let's begin, shall we?

I sent an email to Thio and all I got was this lousy T-shirt

Part 2 of 2

I hope you're happy... I hope you're happy now! I hope you're happy how you've hurt your cause forever, I hope you think you're clever...

Poor Kway Teow Man is flabbergasted at why some gay activists say that even though the failure to repeal Section 377A was as expected, this was a sign of progress.

Why ye of little faith, have ye no faith in the Father of the Singapore Gay Equality Movement? Question not the judgement of the Bread That Yawneth! For assuredly, there is victory in defeat! Life in death! Honour in debasement! Just like how Alex Au finds victory in his failures to get gay interest group PLU registered as a society, our efforts to repeal 377A have resulted in a resounding victory that must be shouted from the rooftops and echoed in basement carparks! And you too of little faith and much naivete, yes you: Kway Teow Man, you too shall cheer along with us in this historic triumph that will be recorded in the annals of history, and recited by Singaporean schoolchildren of the future in their gay civics class!

Oh yes, indeed, the greatest achievement Alex Au has contributed to the victory of our cause is when NMP Thio Li-ann (whom Alfian Sa'at wishes would "douses herself with the petrol of her own rhetoric and lights the match unaided") became the victim of a second threatening note!

Oh yes, Alex Au, there's no need to be so modest =D "I will totally condemn any malicious letters. It's completely against the spirit of civil discourse and democracy", you say to Li Xueying. Oh no, don't you dare pile it on by saying you have "made it known in gay forums that any criticism should be issues-based rather than targeted at the person."

My leader, do not belabour yourself! We hear you loud and clear, and we get your nudge nudge wink wink!

O Kway Teow Man, look and learn! Rookie reporter Li Xueying clearly is no match for the witty wits of our esteemed repeal 377A commander in chief! He has run circles around her, for nowhere in the SIGNEL gay forum has he explicitly advised his legions of gay activists who dedicate themselves fully to the gay agenda that they have to be "issues-based rather than target at the person"!

In fact, in the entire month of October leading up to today, Alex Au has mostly posted without comment, several news articles and essays regarding gay issues in Singapore and around the world! In his only 2 posts where he does make any personal comment, it was to ask our 21st Keyboard Legions to find sources to corroborate or demolish a claim that Andy Ho made, as usual without citing his sources! And in the 1 week between Alfian Sa'at and the second threatening note, Alex Au has made a total of 0 comments on the issues of civility, civil discourse, or democracy in the gay forums!

O Kway Teow Man, look and learn from the matchless machinations of warmaster Alex Au! For clearly he no longer uses the gay forums to issue his pronouncements! No, open your mind, humble yourself in a mind of servitude, and direct your willing ears to the Bread that Yawns! Here you see the Warmaster's only pronouncement on malice, civil discourse and democracy in the light of the fight to repeal 377A!

For clearly, young KTM, as Alex's article is titled: there are LIMITS TO CIVILITY! Yes, the spirit of civil discourse has a limit. For the shrill stalking and malicious machinations of Thio on the 377A repeal has bent the mind of poor Alfian Sa'at and caused him to issue a somewhat embarrassing email to her... And who do we blame, young KTM? Of course the blame is with NMP Thio!

"I would not crown civility as supreme in all situations." Indeed so, my liege and lord!

"When the Religious Right (and this includes Thio) are out to bludgeon me psychologically, socially and politically, they don't deserve respect or civility from me. Nor from Alfian and thousands, thousands more." And indeed so, my liege and lord!

And it is no wonder, praise Alex Au, that the wise have heeded, and the willing have put into action Alex's desire that Thio and her Religious Right collaborators no longer deserve any civility or respect!

My friend, Alfian Sa'at did not do anything we should be ashamed of! On the contrary, his bold attack must be defended by pointing out that Thio deserves no civility nor respect - and that thousands more people should boldly attack her! Follow the footsteps and heed the pronouncements of our great leader Alex Au!

But seriously, the repeal 377A campaign doesn't need Thio Li-ann, the fundie churches, or a Parliament stacked with conservatve and Christian MPs as their enemies. They merely need Alex Au, and that is sufficient.

I weighed in the 377A debate and all I got was this lousy T-shirt

Part I of 2

I hope you're happy... I hope you're happy now! I hope you're happy how you've hurt your cause forever, I hope you think you're clever...

Fellow conservatives, Professor Thio Li-ann has failed us all. I speak of course about her contributions in the 377A debate, of her fiery speech in Parliament and her defence of how fundamental religious viewpoints must be allowed expression in public policy making in the context of a secular society.

But wait, you say. Did the eminent Professor Thio, in her impassioned speech, not scuttle the gay agenda to repeal 377A, and halt our nation's slippery slide into the endorsement of homosexuality as an acceptable lifestyle, gay marriages, and weekly gay pride beach parties at Sentosa? What can possibly be lacking in how Thio has served the conservative cause, you ask.

We must go back to the first principles: What is an NMP supposed to do? Who is Thio Li-ann, and why has she been appointed to serve as an NMP? Is she serving her role as an NMP, in a manner that adheres to constitutional and historical expectations of NMPs?

As the constitution states, the list of candidates are proposed by the public to the Special Select Committee, who eventually appoint the Non-Elected Member of Parliament.

The criteria for selection?

The persons to be nominated shall be persons who have rendered distinguished public service, or who have brought honour to the Republic, or who have distinguished themselves in the field of arts and letters, culture, the sciences, business, industry, the professions, social or community service or the labour movement; and in making any nomination, the Special Select Committee shall have regard to the need for nominated Members to reflect as wide a range of independent and non-partisan views as possible.

In practice, all NMPs have been chosen for their expertise in their respective fields, or for their leadership roles in civil society groups, special interest groups, or minority groups. Hence, the list of NMPs include Malay businessmen, law professors, the heads of aging associations, AWARE, environmentalists, and so on. These NMPs have steered Parliament through difficult issues, providing their professional views and unique viewpoints. This is a system that, despite serving to co-opt dissent and opposition into a "non-elected" representation scheme, works.

And then, we have Thio Li-ann. She's a law professor, an expert in constitutional law and human rights law. She's not uncritical of the NMP scheme, and very critical of the changes Parliament has made to the Elected Presidency since its creation. By all accounts, Prof Thio understands the role she is expected to play.

Back in her appointment to the non-elected seat, she proposes several areas of jurisdiction that she expects to advise Parliament on. They are all constitutional issues - "She wants to scrutinise legislation on the Elected Presidency, for example, and probe further into the mechanics and powers of the presidency." (Lynn Lee and Sue-ann Chia, "Looking forward to advance the debate", in ST Review, 9 Feb 2007)

Note there is no mention of her staking out the repeal of 377A as a platform she is interested in. Nor does 377A fit coherently in the bag of issues that her expertise should touch on. Yet for all this, Professor Thio's maiden speech in Parliament is a pungent, stinging attack on homosexuality. Yet for all this, her entire attack on homosexuality was based on the morality and moral repugnance argument. Her subsequent articles in the Straits Times defends her attacks as a legitimate expression of religious convictions in a secular state.

In the midst of all this, it is easy to forget that Thio Li-ann is an NMP selected for her expertise in the law. One would have expected, if Thio were indeed fulfilling her role as prescribed in articles 39.1.c and 44.1 of the Fourth Schedule of the Constitution of Singapore and as established in the practice of her predecessors, that Thio would have at least provided the one viewpoint and area of expertise that her colleagues in the entire Parliament could not.

But we haven't heard her speak from a legal or constitutional basis on the 377A debate. Astonishingly for a legal expert charged with educating the nation's future lawyers, there is not a bit of legal theory in it. Where, when we need her expertise most, is the legal reasoning whether to keep or repeal 377A? Where, when the debate is clouded with categorical morality arguments from the right and unbending liberal rhetoric from the left, is the voice of reason, the clear-headed and non-partisan voice of a law professor?

Instead, we find that we might as well have elected Pastor Kong Hee as the NMP, who could have given the same speech Thio gave in Parliament.

If there is a constitutional argument for not repealing 377A (note that I do have one for repealing 377A!), Thio Li-ann has not made it known. Shocking! She could well be batting for the gays, since her utter reliance on the moral repugnance argument suggests that there isn't a constitutional argument for keeping 377A.

The pro-377A faction doesn't need an Alex Au, a gay agenda, or a well-organised campaign as their enemies. They have Thio Li-ann, and that is sufficient.

The conservative case for 377A

Gabriel Seah has recently argued that the energies of the state and the activist citizens of Singapore should not be spent on a campaign to repeal Section 377A of the Penal Code. The act criminalises homosexual sex as unnatural gross indecency, yet for all that it's worth, various leaders of the state (i.e. father and son) have stressed repeatedly that this law will not be enforced.

For male homosexuals in Singapore, a curious state of affairs now exist: the very acts that some say define their existence are illegal, yet these theoretical criminals are free to practise their lifestyle choices, free of legal persecution. J.Tan may froth at the mouth, alleging continued persecutions of homosexuals, but the fact remains - and is acknowledged even by Alex Au, leader of the gay equality movement in Singapore, that the only instances of prosecution since 1988 have been in cases involving minors, non-consensual sexual activity and public play.

Practically speaking, gay people can pretty much practise whatever they want, wherever they want, in the privacy of their homes or business establishments (clubs, spas, etc). They are free even now to strike up friendships in singles bars, attend the ubiquitous gay-themed plays at Theatreworks and other stage productions, and so on. We can no longer speak of active persecutions, only the usual restrictions against political organisation (aka registration of PLU) and perhaps civil marriage (a fight for another day) and inheritance and maintenance of spouse and surviving children (then again, HDB rules disadvantage single mothers too).

Yet for a conservative, this fine balance or legal impasse is intolerable. Singapore is first and foremost a nation run by the rule of law. That we as a populace observe its laws, that Singapore as a polity lays down laws and regulations, is the key to its success. Singapore is not a cowboy town, not a free-for-all; we are not ruled by strongmen and robber barons, for our laws ensure that Singapore is seen as a predictable and safe place to do business, and to nurture businesses.

Singapore, run by the rule of law, is seen as a well-run polity. Laws are reasonable and logical, otherwise they won't be laws. Our legislators make good laws, simplify complicated ones, and remove those that no longer serve the state.

Our leaders refuse to enforce Section 377A for moral reasons: Minilee believes that "some people are like that and some people are not. How they live their own lives is really for them to decide, it's a personal matter." In other words, this law is not enforced because it does not have a legal basis.

For it to remain on the books is to say that we have a law where the leaders forbid the police to enforce, the attorney-general to prosecute, and the judges to administer. Given that we all agree not to enforce 377a, not repealing it means that we now proclaim to the world Singapore does not take its laws seriously - some laws will never be enforced because they are wrong and baseless, yet there they are on the statutes, as fully legal as every other law on the statutes...

If one law is seen to be unfair yet legal, legal yet unenforced, then we make a mockery of the system, and encourage people to think they too can decide which laws society should not enforce. Worse, we encourage a mindset where people disrespect the legal framework and undermine it. By letting one toothless law stay on the statutes just for show, the government of Minilee encourages others to cherry pick other laws as possibly unfair, just for show, and deserving of flouting.

Because one law does not apply, others will be encouraged to rely on their own personal interpretations of the constitution, to discover for themselves other laws that should not apply. Then as every man becomes the law unto himself, the rule of law will no longer hold sway in Singapore, chaos and riots will break out, and Singapore will be finished.

Singapore must not just be seen as a place where the rule of law prevails, but where the rule of law must be seen to prevail. Given that Section 377A is seen as legally unsound, that it is unenforceable, that the guardians of the state refuse to enforce it, they must therefore take steps to ensure that the law is struck down, and Singapore's legal framework is not undermined by this unenforced law.

More great moments in television history

(Part 2 in a continuing series)



Very shortly after touching down in Singapore, Sir Ian McKellen begins to ask reporters for directions to the nearest gay bar. The climate of oppression against homosexuals in Singapore has either dissipated recently, or has always been a myth invented by certain activists - luckily for everyone, The New Paper, former (or supposed) scourge of many a gay agenda in the early 1990s, did not publish this headline in font size 42 on the front cover of the following day's issue:

"Ian McKellen, gay sex tourist?"

Lessons for gay activists

In part, the nonreaction and the unscandalised treatment of this affair could stem from the charm of Sir Ian. In just one day, the actor managed to continue his 20-year history of gay activism in Singapore with a fresh and winsome approach that must have endeared him to the journalists at Channelnewsasia (even if they had to feign some embarrassment) and Class 95FM.

Unlike the "father of the gay equality movement in Singapore", Sir Ian delivered his plea for delegalisation of section 377A with skill, style, and panache. At CNA, it was done in a jokey manner that still got the point across. At Class 95FM, Sir Ian repeated his query on gay bars in Singapore (the gay sex tourist joke becomes increasingly difficult to avoid!) to an amused Vernetta Lopez. Yes, he made an additional statement, about how antiquated Section 377A is - and left it at that. Short, sweet, and simple.

Ian McKellen's model of gay activism should be studied very closely by those who purport to fight for the community here. Alex Au would do well to note that Sir Ian did not have to be confrontational. He made his point without slamming the government and the civil service or calling them insincere liars, without slamming the Church or deriding the Bible, without insinuating that the civil service and church are in cahoots with each other, and without forcing security to throw him out of the building so he could prove to the world that indeed the state of Singapore has failed his test of tolerance. This is real activism, Alex. Look, listen, and learn!

Ian McKellen, pink tourist

And so, someone must have told Sir Ian of Singapore's gay bars. For days after his arrival, the actor made it a point to tell anyone who asked about his experience in Singapore, that this country has over 20 gay bars and pubs. That's something to put in one of those Lonely Planet guides.

Enterprising establishments which hosted Sir Ian during his stay in Singapore should seriously consider naming their bars or rooms after him. You know, like "The Sir Ian McKellen Room".

Even though Sir Ian cannot be the first pink tourist in Singapore, there's no better way to celebrate this actor. If Singapore has commemorated the stay of another LBGT artist for almost 70 years by naming a room in its most famous and oldest hotel after him, I can't see why we can't do the same towards this luminary.

Woody Allen spoof

"At first, we didn't know exactly what this was, but we've developed a theory. We feel that when citizens of your society were guilty of a crime against the state, they were forced to watch this."

Wankerdämmerung!

Not a good week for wankers, apparently. On one hand, the gang of wise old men are called out by Elia Diodati and twashers.

On the other... The Void Deck has pronounced Wankerdämmerung on the Brotherhood, while Mr Wang Says "Wankerdämmerung!" to the Brotherhood as they invade his blog.

Agagooga has looked into the eyes of the Brotherhood, and he says Wankerdämmerung to them.

It is now twilight for these wankers as more and more people decode their self-referential prose, their space opera stories, their posing as some kind of sg Illuminati.

As a satire of anonymous commentors, the Brotherhood illustrates the principles of strength in anonymity (no one knows who you are, that you're just the same person posting), strength in numbers (always intimidates people if you seem to be a huge movement), strength in incoherence (very easy to dismiss arguments if you have a dozen anonymouses posting non sequitur replies).

As a satire of local parliamentary debates and online discussions, the Brotherhood's "Great Hall Debates" and discussion style elsewhere illustrate the tendency for discussions to dissolve into brinksmanship, namecalling, thinly veiled threats, obfuscation, and fallacious and illogical arguments by the second reply.

As a satire of aggregators, the Intelligent Singapore illustrates the principle that for a political blogosphere that's as populous as the number of digits in two human hands, people should just use their own blogroll or rss feeds because it'll be the same blogs featured over and over again.

Sure, we kind of appreciate the satire that the Brotherhood is performing, a triple satire on the state of the blogosphere. But it's done in a style that very few people get the joke; that those who do get the joke won't find it in good taste; that the space for reasoned discourse is cut off each time the Brotherhood brings their discussions onto other blogs.

So, I also say Wankerdämmerung!

Functionality vs aesthetics, round 843

EOL for win98, winME

Readings from the Book of Leaves

WinME died. It was some time ago, but still I don't know. There was the unfortunate case of my week-long fever, the nastiness of the pneumonia, the drug induced haze that was the recovery.



I never had a relationship with WinME, and now I never will. When we met, she was with a friend of mine, the one who dated all the OS-tans. It was a brief and cordial encounter, and I did not see in her all the faults that circulated in current gossip.



Today, WinME is dead. So is Win98, whom I was seeing on a daily basis until 2002. We decided to call it quits when she didn't get along with my broadband modem. It was a long time ago, and with the passage of time, it feels like a very silly reason to split.



All I know is today, and the day after, and all the days after that, there will be this empty space in my heart. And I know this space is reserved for them.

The creeping SumikoTanning of the Straits Times

Attention! A mutant strain of the SumikoTan virus, under development in the top secret labs of ST's Toa Payoh labs, has broken out and infected other journalists!

Seen in a recent edition of the Urban ST section, otherwise respectable fashion reporter and Urban art director Dylan Boey writing a full-page article on how and why he got his braces.

According to unnamed sources in the virological research unit of the Straits Times, this outbreak may be less unintended and accidental than let on. "This virus has been perfected through months of testing on bloggers. We've already succeeded in the Bantustanisation of the blogosphere, and with that, do you think they'd let this weapon sit around, with so many rebellious ST journalists inserting subtle barbs at the establishment?"

Expect a SumikoTan pandemic, and even more inane, chewed curd writing from ST soon.

UPDATE

It appears fashion reporter Dylan Boey has proved to be a superspreader of the SumikoTan virus. At the Toa Payoh interchange/MRT station/mall, scores of ST journalists were observed wandering aimlessly, whining piteously about their singlehood, their failed relationships, and the trials and tribulations of 30somethings. Dear readers, if you come across one of these journos, please do not breathe in the air around them!!

UPDATE

Intrepid reporter Aki spent the day yesterday connecting the dots and tracing the history of the anomalous pathogen! Did you know that a previous outbreak was contained in 1999? We speak of none other than Richard Lim!

The former chief editor of the Life section, he with the fey mannerisms, overweening ego, and a desperate habit of namedropping literary greats, was a former victim of the SumikoTan virus. His rivalry with his eventual successor is the best-kept secret among journo circles, but even he succumbed to a rare fit of narcissistic introspection, when he wrote an entire series of articles about his travel experiences, which include lamentations of lost opportunites for relationships with exotic Japanese ladies, and being hit on by an elderly but debonair English gentleman.

Apparently the antidote that brought Richard Lim back to the reality-based universe was his retirement and his work on the biography of Papalee. That's a cure that might be much worse than the ailment, but there are troubling signs that the virus has had time to gain resistance to this antidote...

Condi Rice Jedi Mind Trick!

With more than half of Europe up in arms from reports that the CIA has been flying terror suspects to secret jails in Romania and Poland for torture and questioning, US Secretary of State unveils her Jedi Mind Trick.

So onwards with the top 5 Condi Rice Jedi Mind Tricks, all of which are preceded with the customary wave of the hand!

#5. "The US does not engage in torture."
#4. "These are terrorists, not terror suspects."
#3. "Renditions are legal."
#2. "It is US policy that questioning is to be conducted without using torture."
#1. "I just answered your question on whether the US operates secret prisons in Europe."

Yes, folks: the perpetual scowl on the face of Condi Rice (or what Jon Stewart calls her "stinkeye") is the result of constant concentration needed to pull off Jedi Mind Trick 24/7.

The best man for the job

Apparently the spokesperson for this year's Speak Mandarin Campaign is actor Hossan Leong.

Notable facts from the interview article from the Propaganda Times:

Hossan claims that he used to get F9 in Mandarin as a student, but has now "mastered the language". He also claims that none of his friends believed him when he told them of his appointment as spokesperson - as they've never seen him speak Mandarin before.

Mmmm yes. He's mastered the language without anyone noticing that he speaks it.

I mean... GURMIT SINGH has a better claim to mastering the language than Hossan.

Yellow Ribbon Project misses main point

Link:
http://www.yellowribbon.org.sg/

(crossposted at Singabloodypore, which I have joined as a contributor)

Dear Singapore: While you were sleeping...

Chua Enlai stars in Separation 40, a play written by Jit Murad and Haresh Sharma, about the fiercely competitive twin nations of Malaysia and Singapore, whose leaders use identical political means to suppress dissent in their citizens. The play will be staged in Kuala Lumpur from 29 September to 2 October at KLPac.

Now, there's a danger in going too far with the "Singapore and Malaysia aren't at all different" routine. According to Bernama News and Xinhua Agency, Malaysia has one thing Singapore doesn't: A nuclear power plant. And soon, another nuclear power plant.

Yes, while Singapore was sleeping, Malaysia built the 1 MW TRIGA Mark II nuclear power plant in Bangi, Selangor, for research purposes for 5 mil. Ringgit in 1985, and is due to build a 1000 MW nuclear plant within the next 15 years. This means Malaysia has nuclear scientists!

Meanwhile, Singapore's biotech scientists are busy crowing about their pee-powered batteries. Go, Singapore!

In a school in Singapore...

What is Lenin's tomb doing in a school in Singapore???

Filed under: bad architecture, koi ponds, Leninist state

Boy finds snake in breakfast cereal

Edward draws my attention to an article in London:

A two-foot snake found its way into a packet of breakfast cereal, it emerged today.

Five-year-old Jordan Willett, from Dawley, Shropshire, discovered the live reptile inside his box of Golden Puffs on Bank Holiday Monday.

His mother Theresa, who was having breakfast with her son at the time, said she initially thought it was a free gift for children.

My thoughts: Thank goodness this isn't an American tabloid! Imagine, if you will, an American version of this article. We'll have the same introduction, but instead of that "it's kind of lucky the snake wasn't venomous at all" ending, we'd have:

1. Terrorist plan suspected
2. Face of pope observed in pattern of cereal flakes in the milk
3. The non-venomous snake proves that the face of pope thing is a double miracle, hallelujah!